


Bonsai of the Mind

by RoseWithAllHerThorns



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - The SQUIP is human, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape Aftermath, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 08:19:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18311792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseWithAllHerThorns/pseuds/RoseWithAllHerThorns
Summary: Jeremy's boyfriend decided that it was time for them to take the next step in their relationship. Unfortunately, Jeremy wasn't on the same page.





	Bonsai of the Mind

When it’s over, Jeremy stays where the SQUIP left him. His whole body is shaking, as if it’s trying far too late to compensate for locking up earlier. He’s not cold, but…   
  
Jeremy’s slow crawl to get under the sheets stops when his boyfriend’s hand rests on his hip. He stops moving, even if he can’t stop shaking. It’s not like stillness would make SQUIP ignore him, though.  
  
Jeremy knows what he’ll see if he looks up: lean muscle, a jawbone that could double as a knife, and the SQUIP staring at him like he’s a freak. He keeps his face screwed shut against the mattress.  
  
“Jeremy.” His voice is softer than Jeremy expected, his hand sliding up his back until it kneads his tense muscles. “What are you scared of?”

Jeremy stays silent. All the thoughts tumbling in his head are wrong. He can’t make any of them into real, complete sentences anyways.  
  
The hand trails up his neck, grazes through his hair, and Jeremy locks up in preparation for it to tangle in his hair, yank him forward or back or down or-  
  
“Are you worried it went badly?” The hand only rustles through his hair, teasing at his ears without pinching them, circling around the bruises sucked into his neck without prodding them. Jeremy’s shoulders stay locked for a moment, then slump.  
  
A breath, not into the mattress but into the air. It feels less suffocating, like he’s waited the panic out long enough for it to disperse. “Not exactly.”  
  
His touch feels good, and Jeremy has learnt well enough over the months that clinging to bad feelings just makes him feel worse. The SQUIP gives him time to untangle his thoughts, but in the end he takes too long.  
  
“It went better than I expected,” SQUIP says, pressing a kiss into the crown of Jeremy’s head. The mattress dips under his weight when he sits beside Jeremy.  
  
Jeremy had been expecting… he’s not sure whether to call it more or less. Different. It’d been intense as a shock to his system, and just as stressful as one. He turns to look at the SQUIP, just barely bringing him into view instead of the pillow.   
  
“I didn’t want this.” Bitterness oozes out, pus from a sore that Jeremy had determinedly ignored. He looks away from the SQUIP’s reaction, tensing up all over again in anticipation.  
  
The SQUIP laughs. “Really, Jeremy? I know what you watched in the dark.” The rhythmic petting changes to scritching the spot behind Jeremy’s ear. Jeremy doesn’t turn away from it. “I know I’m not a plumber, but I like to think you can have sex outside that fantasy world of yours.”  
  
People who are worth something don’t watch porn, Jeremy knows. They just have sex, in trucks or beds or alleyways.  
  
Maybe he isn’t meant to be worthwhile.  
  
He wants to be, but…  
  
“Maybe I wasn’t ready to step outside of my... “fantasy world” or whatever.” Jeremy is used to confessing his failings like prayers, but this confession makes his guts squirm in a wholly different way.   
  
“You were never going to feel ready, Jeremy.” The certainty in his voice makes Jeremy feel small. “It’s something that requires a leap of faith.”  
  
SQUIP’s always been ready to haul Jeremy along when he’s too weak, whether he’s ready or not. Sometimes he’s thankful for that.  
  
“Breathe with me.” The SQUIP’s breathing is slow and even. When he lowers himself onto the mattress, Jeremy lets his body go loose. Instead of breathing with the SQUIP he finds himself breathing in counterpoint, in when he’s out and out when he’s in.   
  
“Good,” the SQUIP breathes. His heartbeat pulses steady against Jeremy’s back. His arm wrapping around Jeremy sends his heart racing again. “Everything will be fine if you listen to me.”  
  
Jeremy almost believes that.

**Author's Note:**

> I initially wanted "leap of faith" to be an "Into the Spiderverse" reference that reminded Jeremy of when they watched that movie together, but in the end it required too much explanation for what it added to the story.


End file.
